MOVIE 1, OCT 1-3: Burial Ground, aka The Nights Of Terror, aka italian hair-porn gets interrupted by slow slow slow zombies

   It took me awhile to figure out just what to do and and say about these movies.  Most of the blogs out there are traditional review spots, with ratings and cute anecdotes.  I hate anything that is "cute".  Even typing the word causes my mouth to vomit.  Call me quirky, but I just don't see things as nice, safe, or cuddly, and middle-of-the-road makes me want to raise my middle finger!

    So instead of stars, I'm gonna rate these movies by how they make me feel: Hard-Ons, Up-Chucks, and satisfying WTF's. My favorite category being W-T-F's because above all, I love a movie that makes me pause...

   
     My first selection, drawn by shear luck from a batch of new movies that I have just recently acquired, was Burial Ground.  Shot in 1981 and directed by Andrea Bianchi, Burial Ground is a terrible zombie disaster spin off desperately trying to be similar to the more famous and hard core Italian zombie-porn from the same era.  Only Biachi is no Bava...or Fulci. 

     The movie enters on some random doctor type fellow doing some random doctor type stuff, which eventually somehow raises the dead.  Now, in Italian zombie films, zombies are traditionally gruesome, with glowing eyes, low hygiene standards, and relative urgency.  Not in this film...in this film, they move slower than senior citizens and something about that, and the way the film makers zoomed in for added stress while bumping "scary" seventies porn music in the back ground made me want to choke my self out on left over pop corn.  NOT SCARY AT ALL ITALY!

     Well anyway, because this plot is just that easy to wrap up, let me do so: a group of somehow related socialites decide to vacation in the zombie infested manor house, they all have sex, and the next day mayhem ensues.  In the end, all of them are rubbed out by smarter than average zombies just trying to get their grub on.  Not the most original concept and yet I am positive they did do some things I swear I have never seen before. For one, one of the zombies hucks a "NINJA DART" at a maid and then hacks her head off with a giant scythe.  And two...a zombie man-boy suck-bites his mothers tit and then tears it off with his teeth...more on this later.

My Rating For This GEM!

1 1/2 HARD-ON'S for starting the movie with full Italian hair-sex, between hot middle aged MILF and a gnarly fur ball of a man.  Oh, and by the way Italy, WTF is up with casting over there...is Italy really nothing but a bunch of Ron Jeremy's?  Not that I'm in to watching a guy get naked, but for the love of all that is holy, if you are GOING TO SHOW SKIN...make it worthwhile?

2 UPCHUCKS! for the gratuitous guts chomping scenes.  It take a real tenacious zombie to try and chew through those things.

And 3 WTF's for the god damn genius who cast a 26 year old dwarf to play the incestuous "Ten Year Old"  Mikey.  His high pitched voice and need to fondle his mother at every moment made this one for the zombie record books, a real keeper, and hey, who am I to judge, a mother never looked so tasty...

All scores are out of 5 and all scores are final.

Till next time, and please remember...nothing I say and do is ever WORK SAFE!